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July 6, 2007

What’s Happened with Lal Masjid in Pakistan


Ali Eteraz

Filed under: Pakistan — eteraz @ 6:34 am

An extremist imam riles up a bunch of women and youth by telling them that he has been receiving “sacred dreams” from the Prophet, extolling him to raise the banner of jihad, start a rebellion, and establish Shariah. These dreams number upto 300. Hundreds of young men, and under the auspices of his wife, hundreds of young women, sign up to join his phantasmagoria. Here and there a few hardcore jihadis join his cult. They squat on public land and establish the first few square feet of the authentic Islamic state. They need someone to hate, so they go abduct a mistress, burn cd stores, have ninja rallies for the veiled women to pump their fists and brandish their sticks, and torture Chinese acupuncturists because the Western media these extremists so hate has convinced them that all Chinese masseuses are really “whores” and “prostitutes.”

In a grab for authenticity they declare a kangaroo court system, stating that their judges, and their rules will determine questions of Islamic family law at first, and eventually, impose good old fashioned Islamic punishments. Why? Because Pakistan is an “Islamic” Republic, of course. They offer no counter-argument to the fact that Pakistan was founded as a nation for “Muslims” not as a nation for “Islam.” There was no assurance or expectation that it would be run under Islamic Law. It took eight years for the word “God” to enter the constitution. The founders of Pakistan knew what these extremists refuse to accept: Muslims don’t need a Shariah system to be Muslim.

Eventually, the Pakistani government starts negotiating with the squatters, encouraging them to disband. The extremists reply they have no intention of breaking up and will take over the country on the back of their thousands of eager suicide bombers. Pakistanis, accustomed to hyperbolic assertions from their mullahs, don’t believe the hype. The rest of the world, especially the American right-wing, unaccustomed to Pakistani “Lambi Batayn” (big talk), starts masturbating the invasion phallus, while simultaneously warning against democratic reform in Pakistan lest the Lal Masjid extremists take over. Ali Eteraz tells them that “the fear with democracy is not…that the Islamists will take over.”

Eventually thousands of the purported suicide bombers surrender to the Pakistani military. Not a single one tries self-ignition. During surrender, one of them standing in line to get finger-printed, is seen calling his mother on his cell phone. The leader of cult tries to get away in a burqa, but is identified because “the other girls looked like girls, while he was tall and had a pot belly.” A mullah, not girly enough.

That’s really it. Musharraf’s popularity suddenly soars. Pakistanis running searches for “mujra,” “Pakistani girls kissing,” “hot Pakistani sex,” and “sex in Pakistan” keep hitting on AE’s blog. The guy who usually looks up “turbaned sex” has yet to show up. AE suspects that was Maulana Abdul Aziz, the leader of the Lal Masjid, who so enjoys wearing drag.

This is what happens when the Pakistani cricket team doesn’t have any matches for three months.




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