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Was I Wrong?

I've written about the friendship my husband had with the brother that introduced him to the salafi dawah. What I haven't said is that in time I forbade my husband from speaking to him again. Yes, forbade.

But before you make your decision, listen to why…………..

Does a friend make you feel less than?Like you’re not doing enough as a Muslim, that you’re lacking?

Is everything a competition?If you dont go to “the conference” or memorize this or that book,does that make you inferior?

 Does one have to quit their job,therefore not being able to support their family,because you cant take fridays off to attend jumuah?

Is a friend someone who backbites to you about another mutual friend of yours, who committed zina, and describes it in such detail that it leaves you speechless?

 This same friend(who was doing the backbiting),now wants to take as a second wife, the woman that the friend committed zina with(and oh yeah,and she was pregnant with  that friends baby!!) And that other brother(who got the woman pregnant)was planning on marrying this lady! Can we say, Jerry Springer?

You critisize your “friend’s” wife’s hijab,because its not correct or proper hijab(maybe not in his standards but in my eyes there was nothing wrong with it,long brown skirt,oversized camel colored sweater,brown flat boots and a brown scarf.Nothing showing but my face and hands).You tell your friend that you seen a picture of how the proper hijab is supposed to be worn and wanted to mail that picture to you,so that you could see how its supposed to be worn.WTH!?

I could literally go on and on.It was just drama,all the time.This friendship was causing lots of problems between H and I.How could you be friends with someone and by the end of the conversation,you come away feeling bad,like you have to defend the choices you make in life?

At first when I asked H to please keep his distance from him,he would listen somewhat.Then Id find him chatting on the phone,by the end of the convo his face would take on a sour look.This was all the time.Id tell H,why be friends with someone that doesnt make you feel good? Why do you always have to defend yourself about something or try to prove yourself? Why? His answer: Im friends with him for the sake of Allah.I remember when H tried to break the friendship off,the other brother told him that he couldnt do that unless he was an innovator!(or something to that effect).Lol.

A couple of weeks ago,this brother called.After months of not talking.but I wouldn let H answer the phone…I felt bad..a little..because I like to give people the benefit of the doubt and in my mind I was thinking that maybe it wont be  the way it was and maybe it would be ok for them to talk again,but then I snapped back to reality.I cant even imagine the look or response of this brother if H was to tell him I am no longer wearing hijab………….Nope,I dont need the chastisement and the scolding……I dont want the drama,I dont need it.Especially now,when im trying to work on me and we’re trying to work on us.

So although I posed the question, was I wrong ,I dont think I was.


Assalamu alaykum.

I do not think you wrong, its all about self preservation and the preservation of your marriage. There is a difference between providing guidance and passing judgement on someone, and it sounds like this friend wasnt offering enlightenment. Your husband ultimately has to learn what friendship is on his own, and if he insists on being friends with this man, then you cant forbid him. He should consider your advice, but ultimately the decision is up to him.

I definitely agree that a friendship should NOT interefere with someones marriage, that is just plain wrong.

My habib and I were in a similar pickle once upon a time, he asked me to limit my interaction with someone because he thought it was affecting the way we communicate. You know what? He was right. Im glad I took his advice. It wasnt easy, but I had to trust that he was protecting me. I eventaully stopped talking to this person all together.

Hope this helps.



By: iMuslimah on March 18, 2008
at 6:16 pm

As Salaamu Alaikum Sis:

!Muslimah is correct in that it’s not wise for a Muslim wife to “forbid” her husband from friendship with his Muslim brother. And from answering the phone. He is your husband, not your son. It is also a form of controlling, which is not good in any marriage, yet alone a Muslim marriage. (This goes for the brothers with their wives, too!)

I agree that some who follow Salafi Minhaj have the Minhaj twisted, as I have already commented. But your husband needs to come to this realization on his own. He knows how you feel. Now let it go. Otherwise, he may come to resent you trying to control him.

I know you are trying to protect your husband and your own affairs. May Allah (swt) reward you for your intention. I leave this comment because you did ask. I do not intend to criticize you. My sister, I love you for the sake of Allah (swt).

Take care my dear :)

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