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Preparing for The Realities of Marriage
How ludicrous would it be for a person to hold a grand
opening for a new business then leave for vacation the next day or go to a job
interview without having read the job description? Equally absurd is the way
many people get married each year without any knowledge of or preparation for
the realities of marriage. Couples make elaborate wedding and honeymoon plans
but none for a life together. Additionally, many are looking for spouses to
marry without looking at their responsibilities in a marriage. Based on fairy tales spun by the media and pop culture,
young women dream of finding their Prince Charming and living happily ever
after. We think that once we are married, everything will just sort itself out.
Some of us think that marriage is a solution or an escape or that our spouses
will "complete us." Compounding this are values of mainstream society
and their effect on the psyche of adolescents. Years of struggling with issues
of dating and pre-marital sex in school as well as constant bombardment through
films and television of unrealistic images of what love, sex and marriage are
have affected our outlook on marriage and the opposite sex. So, when the time
comes to get married, we often carry unrealistic expectations of what being
married will be like and how our spouses will be. Many young Muslims are not prepared for marriage and have
not cultivated the skills to create a lasting relationship. While the general
American population has the world's highest divorce rate, 48.6 percent, Muslims
in the United States come in not too far behind at 33 percent. One in three
Muslims marriage here will end in divorce- not surprising considering we are
living in a "divorce culture" where independence and individual
happiness often come first. When the marriage does not fulfill the individual's
needs, the marriage is questioned. Terms such as "starter marriage"
are becoming more common in the Muslim community as divorces among newlywed
couples, after only months of being married, increase. Furthermore, couples in
multicultural marriages are experiencing complex issues because of their
background differences and often find little support from their families and
communities because of certain cultural ideas about marriage. These couples
often become resigned to ending the marriage. Newlyweds sometimes don't readily
acknowledge that they must work on the marriage for it to survive. Many divorce
when marriage is not what they expected or harder than they imagined. Divorce
is now considered a plausible option among young Muslims, unlike the generation
before them. Now, more than ever, we should prepare ourselves and our children
for the realities of marriage. Preparing for marriage is as important as having
an accurate road map before driving cross country. Preparing for marriage is more than searching for a spouse;
it begins with discovering who you are as a person. Undergo Self-Reflection Preparing for marriage is more than searching for a spouse;
it begins with discovering who you are as a person and what you will bring to a
marriage. Identify what innate beliefs you hold because these are the things
that are least likely to change about you. Your values and beliefs are your
compass in life and will determine your lifestyle and the choices you make.
Understanding what is important to you clarifies the type of person with whom
you will be compatible. Reflection is a process of self-growth that can be
difficult, but it shows maturity and a true understanding of the intensity of
marriage. Ask yourself these questions: "What is my personal set of life
values?" "What are my fears?" "What are my strengths?"
"What are my weaknesses?" Identifying your flaws is equally important
because it provides you with personal goals for self-improvement. It will also
provide your future spouse insight into your weaknesses, as well as the things
that may never change about you. Establish Compatibility Before you can determine the type of person you are
compatible with, you first need to understand what compatibility is. It doesn't
mean you will be exactly like your spouse, but rather, that you share many
similarities and hold mutual respect for your differences, It is important to
find someone who shares your core values and beliefs and whose long-term goals
correspond with yours. Having complementary values and goals helps married
couples grow closer to Allah because they will constantly strive in the same
direction and have fewer disagreements in their marriage. True and realistic
love will be found in the everydayness of marriage when sharing common
interests and doing interesting things together. But, be careful if you find
yourself making excuses for incompatibility or you start believing that the
other person will change once you're married. People rarely change. Qualities
in a potential spouse that do not align with your core values and beliefs are
red flags because that person is about as unlikely to change as you are. When
making a decision about an element of incompatibility, ask yourself; "Can
I maintain my beliefs while married to this person even if he/she doesn't
change?" Acknowledge that you simply can't control your spouse's way of
being. Being able to maintain mutual respect for your differences will likely
prevent many tensions in the marriage. Understand You- Expectations Ascertain the expectations you
hold for marriage. Many couples enter a marriage with unspoken and usually
unconscious expectations of what their spouse is going to provide and fulfill.
Honestly examining your expectations of marriage and your potential spouse is a
necessary step in preventing disappointment. Ask yourself, "What do I
think marriage will be like?" "Who and what have influenced these
expectations?" "What is my parents' relationship like?"
"How does this play a role in what I expect in my marriage?"
"What does the term 'husband' mean to me?" The answers to these types
of questions will help spotlight your expectations about marriage and the basis
for those expectations. Understanding your expectations and assessing how
realistic they are is a vital step toward helping you enter into marriage with
open eyes. Communicate Everybody should acquire two critical skills before getting
married: Communication and conflict resolution. These are essential to making a marriage successful. You
and your potential spouse will begin to understand how you each communicate as
you get to know one another. Not communicating and misinterpreting
communication will cause numerous problems in a marriage. This is the time to
ask yourself; "Am I good at communicating my feelings and thoughts?"
"How do I resolve a conflict: do I ignore it, solve it?" "Am I a
good listener?" Understanding your approach and identifying your
weaknesses are valuable because marriage carries the responsibility to
communicate your needs and frustrations with your spouse. It is equally
important to understand your spouse's communication style and conflict
resolution skills and how compatible they are to yours. Ultimately, the effort
you and your spouse put in this area will form the backbone of your marriage. Entering into a marriage is a time to grow as an individual
and to grow interdependently with a spouse. Having the courage to discover your
expectations and weaknesses and taking responsibility for the direction of your
marriage requires a mature approach. To grow spiritually in your marriage
requires that you learn to be less selfish and more loving, even during times
of conflict. Move beyond the fantasy and unrealistic expectations and realize
that marriage is about making a conscious choice to love and care for your
spouse-even when you do not feel like it. A marriage needs love, support,
tolerance, honesty, respect, humility, realistic expectations and a sense of
humor to be successful. These values will help a marriage survive conflict,
disappointment and problems. Marriage is a beautiful relationship that Muslims
should enter with an understanding of all of its dimensions. If Prophet
Muhammad reminds us that marriage is "half our faith," then how can
we as Muslims go into something this central with a lack of preparation and
understanding? We can only be good spouses once we understand what it means to
be married and mentally prepare ourselves for the amazing journey. Munira Lekovic Ezzeldine
is the author of Before the Wedding: 150 Questions for Muslims to Ask before
Getting Married. Munira has also written two Islamic Studies textbooks for the
Bureau of Islamic and Arabic Education. She received her undergraduate degree
from UCLA and is currently pursuing her master's degree in Marriage and Family
Counseling at California State University, Fullerton. For the last eight years,
Munira has worked with youth groups, teaching classes and mentoring. Her extensive
speaking on the topics of marriage and gender equity coupled with her
experience of being raised as a Muslim in the United States gives her the
ability to connect with the young Muslim generation. Munira is happily married
and has two children. * Source Azizah Magazine - A
unique publication that presents the issues, accomplishments and the interests
of Muslim women in North America http://www.islamicity.com/articles/articles.asp?ref=AZ0803-3550&p=1 |
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