How to Solve maritial problems

(Transcribed from the weekly Question and Answer session by Shaykh Mashhoor Salmaan: 11/25/06)

Question: What is the best way to solve marital problems?

Answer: It is not possible to solve marital problems except that a man understands that his wife is weak. Or that Allaah settles that which occurs between them with regards to their differences. The issue is not that the husband is always correct, and if the wife is correct and the husband is incorrect, then this erodes his masculinity or his authority, no.

“And in whatsoever you differ, the decision thereof is with Allaah.” (Ash-Shuraa: 10)

“But no, by your Lord, they can have no Faith, until they make you a judge in all disputes between them, and find in themselves no resistance against your decisions, and accept (them) with full submission.” (An-Nisaa’: 65)

“And if you differ in anything amongst yourselves, refer it to Allaah and His Messenger, if you believe in Allaah and in the Last Day.” (An-Nisaa’: 59)

The premise of of husband is that he should some fiqh, and that he knows when an how to solve matters. It is quite possible that problems can occur in the house. So since the man is one who has the authority he should remain calm until these problems are resolved. Thereafter he should use his wisdom, masculinity, and counsel. What is always blameworthy is harsh, severe interactions. I would inform you of something that I hope Allaah would make it a benefit for us all;

The secret to a husband being successful in his interactions with his wife is for him to compensate for her weakness. A woman is weak and emotional. Hence, if you want to make her a happy wife then make amends that is in accordance with her weakness, and always make her feel that you are in constant need of her and you cannot do without her. Fulfill her emotional needs, comfort her feelings. When the Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم) informed us that the woman is “Deficient in her intelligence.” Al-Bukhaaree (hadeeth nos. 294), he did not meant it to be a belittlement of women, however what he was illustrating to us is how to deal with a woman. The most miserable man is the one who whenever a dispute occurs between him and his wife he says to her, “let’s leave off emotions and deal with the issue based on intelligence.” What does it mean that she is “Deficient in her intelligence?” That is, her intelligence is deficient in comparison to her emotions, for her emotions are very strong. So you men are deficient in emotions. You have full intellect because intelligence is something that is relative. The woman is deficient in her intelligence and the man is deficient his emotions. So Allaah created males with faculties that suits his being and He created females with faculties that suits her nature. This is why both spouses would not obtain amicability until they both return to the deen of Allaah, and that they both know their rights in the deen of Allaah.

So therefore whenever there occurs problems between you all and you want to advise your wife, the most important thing is that you first of all sympathise with her feelings and emotions until she becomes calm, then you begin to counsel. How easy is a woman, however how complicated is she! Because her emotions are ever changing. And from the mercy of our Lord to the woman is that He made her heart ever changing, whereby if she is divorced, the second husband becomes the most beloved, and if he dies the and remarries, the third is the most beloved to her, and this is in accordance with the legislation of Allaah.

A woman would be just fine with her father, however by seeing that particular man once, she forgets about her father, her brother…and then you become her priority. So fulfill her emotional needs and you will find peace and relaxation.

Husbands make certain mistakes, and one of the most serious mistakes they make is that they treat their wives like how they treat another man, or they speak to them as they speak to their mothers or sisters; this is wrong. The wife is a creation that is weak and you were also created weak, “And man was created weak.” What surah is this ayah mentioned? An-Nisaa’. And what context did it come? The man’s necessity for a woman. You are in need of her, you’re weak because desires within men are strong. So you compensate your weakness through her, and therefore let her compensate for her weakness through you. And should never forget to offer her words of advice her because husbands are either neglectful, unconcerned with the affairs of their wives whereby they let them do whatever they want by failing to command or prohibit them, or they are harsh and extreme whereby all they do is complain, criticize, find fault, and compare their wives with other pretty women, especially if they watch cable, this is an affliction. Be contended with what Allaah has provided for you as this is your choice, and I think by these words of advice a husband can correctly guide his wife.

(Transcribed from the weekly Question and Answer session by Shaykh Mashhoor Salmaan: 11/25/06)

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